Soapwatch: JACI STEPHEN's ultimate insight into the week's soaps

Why are the police in Soap-land so dim?Not only are they spectacularly bad at spotting murderers, they manage to lock up just about everybody who is not guilty of crimes. With the exception of Corrie’s Craig, who was the most overworked copper in the history of law enforcement, they are a pretty hopeless bunch who couldn’t catch a cold, let alone a criminal. 

Craig handing in his notice to work at the factory also made him the most morally upright copper ever, and undies’ gain is definitely the law’s loss. 

Why has it been so hard to join the dots with ‘ Gray and ‘s Meena?Only EastEnders’ Aaron is in prison for crimes he actually committed, and that’s down to his father shopping him rather than decent detective work. 

I had high hopes for Walford’s DCI Samantha Keeble (the wonderful Alison Newman, who I still remember from her brilliant portrayal of Hazel Bailey in Footballers’ Wives), but her case against Phil has more holes in it than a rice colander (that’s a lot, should you not own one!).Where have they all been trained? The Trumpton Police Academy? 

EASTENDERS: QUEEN OF THE CASTLE 

Jean is full of the joys of spring – literally and metaphorically – when she buys a bouncy castle for the local kids to, er, enjoy.I use the word loosely because when Jean takes to the monstrosity, she ends up embarrassing herself and hurting Arthur.

Stacey is mortified, Martin is concerned, and when Harvey joins Jean on the castle, Stacey insists that he doesn’t understand Jean’s condition. He understands bouncy castles even less.If you have any thoughts concerning exactly where and how to use son and mom xxx, you can speak to us at our site. You’d think that for someone who spouts so much hot air, he would avoid the very high risk of releasing more into the atmosphere. 

Now, what’s Janine’s game with Mick? Having pursued him for months, she tells him she’s leaving because they need some space and time apart to confirm that what they have is real. 

Open your eyes, Janine – most of the time it’s hard to work out whether Mick is real – the man is somn-ambulance personified.And please, somebody, stop yet another silly storyline based on the existence of a gun. 

Kat is relieved when she hears it’ll be picked up soon. Hopefully, by the props department.

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Finally, Adam has listened to me and realised all he had to do was record Lydia on his phone.After texting Lydia from Sarah’s phone, he meets up with the intention of catching her out. 

But she sees through him and snatches the phone. Look, Adam, why didn’t you put the phone she planted in your flat in your pocket, so you’d have a back-up recording?

Am I the only decent spy around here?It’s all enough to send Lydia into a rage, and after slapping Adam, she shoves him over the railings in the shopping centre and he crashes to the ground. 

He needs an operation to save his sight, so will Sarah follow Carla’s advice and be there for him when he wakes up?The bigger question is whether Lydia will be arrested for attempted murder. 

If Adam is half the solicitor he claims to be (certainly he’s a better lawyer than he is private detective), he’ll be on the case. 

Laugh of the week has to be Maria putting Kelly forward for Trainee Stylist of the Year in the regional hairdressing awards.She can barely keep her own hair out of her face so goodness knows how she’s managing with clients. 

Plans are thwarted left, right and centre when Gary fails to move Rick’s body, and Sally insists Tim’s six-week sex ban is still in place.She relents and agrees to bring the action forward a day, but the couple’s passion is thwarted (again) by Elaine. 

Come on, Sally, you have a hot tub; use your imagination.

EMMERDALE: FAMILY MATTERS

Poor Jai’s been through the mill – as if the actor didn’t have enough to endure when he was in Corrie.It’s all come to an end with Laurel, he realises how much he misses family life, and then Kim humiliates him when she asks him to wait tables at the Hide. 

Dig up those floorboards and have a drink, Jai; I’m sure Laurel has a few bottles stashed away for a rainy day. 

The Woolpack’s in disarray again, after Marlon suffers a stroke.Naturally, there is no other chef within 500 miles, so Charity is in panic mode and asks Chas to move back in. 

Now that’s desperation.